Please provide the essay question.
My suggestions:
Remove the entire first paragraph. It needs a rewrite. Its sort of redundant.
Second paragraph first sentence should be rewrote. Its awkward. Work on flow.
Third paragraph first sentence makes no sense. I suggest: I had a lot of fun when they threw a party.
"Craying" is actually spelled "Crying" and it should be something along the lines of "I was crying a bit"
I'm assuming you are a very young elementary student, and my expectations are much higher, but for a lower level writing, That is all I suggest.
If this answer helped you, please mark it the "Brainliest answer"
Thanks!
-j
