Question

Down below is an essay I wrote about an adversity how I overcame it, and what it taught me for a high school essay. For 30 points can I get your opinion on it?


April 18th, 2018 was when my world came crashing down. My hero, my role model, passed away and I called him dad. Every female holds a special place in her heart for her father and mine continues to grow. I try not to hold onto the constant emptiness I feel for losing him. I believe I should rejoice in the happy memories he left me and my family with. However, this is the first time I’ve lost someone I unconditionally love. So it’s hard. It’s hard to accept the fact that he’s gone and he’s never coming back. If I could, I’d do anything to go back in time and spend another moment with my dad. I regret the times I’d stay in my room doing nothing and not having a conversation with him. What hits me the most is that he’ll miss the moments that I’ve always wanted to experience with him; my first volleyball game, graduation, entering high school, and the rest of my life ahead of me. I remember when I held my father’s hand and I felt that I’d never be safer. He was my knight in shining armor, my hero, my protector. He’s gone and now I’ve got to protect myself. My dad taught me how to be strong and I want to carry on his legacy. I’m proud to say that he was my father. With time and strength I’ll be able to overcome this adversity but, the wound is still fresh. I know, I’ll never get over this, but people say it gets easier. The lasting impact my father has had on me ensures I’ll never forget him and I’ll always miss him. This has taught me that life's an unexpected ride and you don’t know what’ll happen on the next turn.You’ve got to be prepared for the worst and best moments of your life. I’m on the chapter in my life where I’m going to high school. As I embark a path to my dream school, Beacon High School, I’ll find out if life takes me in that direction. If it does, I’ll make sure I excel. I’ll excel in my studies and focus on my education like my dad has always wanted and valued. My father always wanted what’s best for me and I know he’d be proud of me at this very moment. Now I’m awaiting the next turn which is whether or not I get into this high school. My guardian angel, my dad, will always be watching me from above and I know he wants the best future for me. I hope I’m on the right path to a successful future by applying for this school.

Answer 1

mVery sorry to hear about your Father. You are so young to have to go threw such heartache at a tender age. your essay is beautiful, I just have a few little pointers & different words that will highlight your feelings... I am 38yrs old and majored in english, journalism along with writing essays. ok.. capitalize the word Dad and Father. shows respect &importance. #2 "I've lost someone whom I've lived unconditionally." #3("I regret the times when I had the opportunity to just be in his presence.) #4."What hurts the most has all of the special moments and experiences I will have to go through without his presence, High School (and and everything else you wrote) and what the future holds for me." #5 also add that he was your "rock" with the sentence how he was your protector. I would take out this sentence that says he's gone now. then write.. my dad taught me how to be strong and overcome adversity and that life is precious for granted I will carry on his legacy I was so proud to call him my father. and with the next sentence switch the best and the worst putting the best first in the worst last in that sentence. then I am in the chapter where I will be headed into High School as I and bark on a path to attend my dream high school at Beacon hi I will make sure I do Above & Beyond my own expectations I will excel and all of my studies and make my education number one like my dad has instilled in me. then you can write as I am awaiting in my next chapter 2 whether or not I am accepted, I know my guardian angel will lead me in the right direction I know as he watches from above

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your loss. I loss my grandpa this year and he was very close to me because my father was never in the picture he was my father figure. your essay is very good. i loved reading it although it brought tears to my eyes. your a great writer and your father was a very lucky man to have a daughter with such good writing skills. my opinion is to keep up the good work and stay strong like your father taught you to. one day you will meet up with him again