Hello, can someone give me advice on my poem. Here's the original version:
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the bright moon,
A busted-up grey rock in space that does not deserve your awe
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the stars,
Huge glowing balls of hydrogen that seem dull in your presence
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the sunset,
The only ‘breath-taking’ thing about it is the way it illuminates your eyes
I’d kill to be your hairbrush
Because it gets to run its fingers between your hair,
Hair that feels like beautiful soft velvet
I’d kill to be the wind
Because it brushes against your flawless smooth skin,
Skin that feels like chinese porcelain
I’d kill to be your lipstick
Because it gets to graze your lips,
Lips that feel like delicate rose petals
I’d kill to be your favorite song
Because it’s the reason you sing
Your voice sounds melodic and calming,
Like rain lightly falling down on Earth
An Earth where you are not mine
Yet I am yours
Revised Version:
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the bright moon,
A busted-up grey rock in space that does not deserve your awe
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the stars,
Huge glowing balls of hydrogen that seem dull in your presence
I’d kill to be looked at the same way you look at the sunset,
The only ‘breath-taking’ thing about it is the way it illuminates your eyes
I’d kill to be your hairbrush because it gets to run its fingers between your hair,
Hair that feels like silky soft velvet that would be ruined by my touch
I’d kill to be the wind because it brushes against your flawless smooth skin,
Skin that feels like Chinese porcelain that I could never afford
I’d kill to be your lipstick because it gets to graze your lips,
Lips that feel like delicate rose petals that would wilt at my gaze
